homework: The Relationship Help

Letter no. 1

Dear Jim,

It seems that your really puzzled there... but I have to tell you, it's okay!

Relationships, especially the one you have with Shelley, undergo contradictions. There are always contradictions between your personalities, wants and needs. It's very normal! There is even a theory about this phenomenon.

Relational Dialectics (the theory about contradictions in Relationships) state that there will always be pushes and pulls in relationships.

In a couple's relationship, there is still a feeling or a need of independence even though you (two) are "one." She wants togetherness, but that doesn't mean that giving up the "sense of self" is required. She still wants to keep her sense of self... her private self.

There is the need of a "me" and a "we".

Relationships also get into openness and closeness conflicts. There are things that you just don't opt or want
to disclose! To express or not to.


She is picky about the stories, traits or things that she want to talk about. And I bet that you also act that way. A Communication theory called Social Penetration explains that we choose what we say and disclose to someone. This is due to the fact that the we tend think of what the person might conclude if we would show him a personality. So, people would tend to play safe about what the disclose to people.

Shelley is just "on guard" of what she wants to express(to you). Yes, you might have something deeper than the usual "dating friends," but there are just somethings that she (still) isn't ready to talk about. It's just natural.

So, I advise you to just sneak up on her place and read her diary. HAHAHA, Just kidding! Why not spend more time with her. "Dialectical tension provides opportunity for dialog", as said in Relation Talk more (and more!) often. Make feel more at ease! Maybe that would help soften up her heart, thus making her open up some more!

Kudos!

_TRH